Thanks Buffy for checking in on me. I was like, who is this random furry messaging me? No one knows who i really am!
How am i feeling?
Well. Definitely in August it felt Like, at any moment i might burst.
It doesn't hurt anymore to admit i am dealing with depression and anxiety.
I am finding out what i am having on the 3rd, the 1st day I get more hrs added to my schedule. A good problem to have. I have attended one baby appointment because she was bleeding and after running from 4th ave to whatever the hell ave the hospital is on, 34th? She let me come to the appointment and then kept the information secret for 3 months, not allowing me in, walking home from 40th and seeing her ex who flung her off a car there, chilling. All my anger from the last many years of life, i dunno... I guess i do...
It made something click. Typically it made me angry and depressed.
Now, it let's me know it's okay to pursue my success.
While listening to my music and my creative vibe, How i look at life. I realized, I had allowed myself to be stolen.
This depression that tried hijacking my love and devotion to the things important in my life. Hell Naw. I sat and read the 26 page analysis the CIA released on thoughts and the mind being an author, creation within our normal view.
I compared my life with events and trends, analyzing how a fellow who, with no training, produced 3 films which were on tv and theatrically released both domestically and international, in 3 years of each other, settling for a thumb up the ass rerelease of a 🎵 project. Settling for 5th rate love. Settling for a kfc job when i came from a university and a different depth.
I grew tired of hearing that it's just okay. That taking small steps sums up. I recall being homeless and trying to appy for opportunities, and being at the UGM and two young women were chatting me up, and my sexual addiction which was dragging my life into smut and shit, was so bad, that after one pissed on themselves, and the other almost convinced me to stay and hook up.
What the fugh? Who in their right mind could or would consider embracing that?
Had a lady, never felt the animal magnetism i felt before, the area, never seemed to offer help in what i needed, i started to tell everyone, "Nah i didn't feel that connection."
Something with viewing all interactions in life as a extension of various forms of consciousness that affects all moves on various levels. It awoke me.
Listening to Busta Rhymes, Jeezy, and Big Sean's new albums, comparing and contrasting myself with it was some type of power to suck me out a black hole. The gravitational pull isn't supposed to be able to be escaped from.
I know that i might have 3-4 months of creative highs and must work through the downside, but for the first time, When I preserve my energy, I have found my journey to be different. I can't explain it, but it's like I have found the vices that weakened, and in the moments that nothing works, I am stronger than I was before.
Accountability, and putting more substance within has Proven a better substitute to the weights and dragon of uncontrollable emotions. It's like I have found pet Behemoths and Leviathans, that have begun taming my beast. Despite it all, life is better. Began registration at jsu for business, if i am 10 credit hrs away from a 60-120k job landscape, why wouldn't i? After having my license held up since 2013, something about 7s, a person let me know of options to get it, rather than pay 20k in bogus tickets for 300.
The days that try to make me just lie and not move, are not strong enough to stand in the way for what I know I have done and can do. Maybe this ia what "man up" means. When I was homeless, years ago, mind a mess and not knowing if I could ever get out of the situation, after many individuals, whom i shared books with on enlightenment, while working out my own issues, seemed to abandon me, I realized that life had naturally just been purging myself, on multiple levels, of things not meant for me, to make way for what is.
It's like being forced to do elemental magic, when you were taught, naturally of world's that are stronger (Harry Potter and Lovecraft fans get it, love it.)
In 3 months, i have written another work of poetry, short story connected to album, rewrote rerelease of intended album, and connected with talented individuals who get the "it" that seemed to not connect with individuals.
For those of you who know that religion isn't what we were taught, and the concept of heaven is really the stages and understanding of creation. Has allowed me to properly reconnect my internal processing network. For the first time since 2015, i began gathering clothes for the homeless and YWCA and giving back. I began studying faith, not from the garbage way it was taught to my ancestors, but the true historical narrative my ancestors taught those who tried to steal it, and i felt myself, in the universe, become more centered.
As a business marketing major, one thing we had to research was the evolution of St. Nick to becoming who he is today. The class found out he is Muurish from turkey and a civil war artist, in the 1800s, conceived most of the imagery, including the racial identity as now white.
Girl I am having a baby with, told me quote, "I don't believe your made up historical black people shit."
Also the person who tried to convince me MLK was strictly about peace, but only learned of him and not the hundreds of other revolutionaries who lived.
Psychologically, how does it help a race to only teach them of heroes who lost? Nah forget that, that was a huge part of depression.
I laughed, because all devices that used ti weaken me or made me concerned, makes me realize a big part of my problem is that reality and the world of those plugged in, don't work, but with my understanding, I am able to connect with people who are about facts and writing thesis and exploration of the human emotion and epigenic source in discovering people through thier ancestors and understanding how and who they are today. Who we are today.
It actually started with Buffy simply saying, "You are talented, why isn't what you do working here?"
Problem, let's find and create a solution.
It's like the soundtrack of Stronger in my head, works. My life has become stronger. Got a job. Getting hired for business gigs. A few big collabs stacking and spending time with my loved ones and setting my affairs in order has erased so much of my depression and anxiety. Not done but feels hella great.